For a game as dedicated to a faithful, accurate portrayal of the Medieval world, Crusader Kings 3 has no shortage of strange moments, awkward bugs, and laughably weird sentences you could only say when talking about the game itself. “Things only Crusader Kings players say” is sort of an in-community meme, reflecting just how hilarious and awkward describing moments from CK3 playthroughs can be. Recently, another strange example of the many freaky, awkward, and undeniably funny situations Crusaders often face during their playthroughs happened to one user on Reddit.
This player posted to the Crusader Kings subreddit with a problem you’d never expect. The attached screenshot shows a fairly impressive realm, with the player seated as the Emperor of a realm of 200+ provinces, with 25 directly held holdings. 25,000+ Prestige, 13,000+ Piety, an army of 19,000+, and a treasury of nearly 60,000 gold should be enough for any CK3 player to feel rather confident and secure in their position. However, the problem lies in a rather unique set of circumstances. The player character’s grandson and Dynasty member, who will eventually inherit everything the player has worked so hard for, has made the unfortunate decision to marry himself.
“Do you guys know a way to stop my grandson from marrying himself without making gay marriage illegal?” the poster asks.
“What a title,” responds the post’s top comment.
Beyond being a particularly strange and funny situation to find oneself in, the player’s concern is not unwarranted. This unfortunate situation actually has the potential to hard-lock the player out of progressing much further into the game.
If you’ve never played Crusader Kings 3, the rules of inheritance might seem a bit confusing. When playing the game, you rule over your domain, but only actually play as one character. This character lives their entire life until death, by natural causes or otherwise. In order to continue playing after the death of your character, you need an heir, which can only be born through marriage with a character of the opposite biological sex of your own, with some exceptions. Once the first character dies, you play as their child/heir, and so on and so forth until you run out of heirs. Even if you have a massive family, it’s game over if you don’t have a direct heir of your own.
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Your heirs also play as NPCs/AI-controlled entities until you die and take control of them, which means they can end up making their own decisions, regardless of what it does to your playthrough. In this case, the NPC heir choosing to marry themselves is something that can’t be controlled.
Abiding by these rules, this player has spotted a problem down the line. Though they will play as their son in their next life, that character’s heir has gone and married themselves, blocking them out of the medieval consensus for legitimate reproduction. Without a wife, this player’s bloodline, along with all of the congenital traits they worked so hard to cultivate, will be gone, alongside their entire realm if they can’t find a way around this character’s self-marriage.
Hilariously, commenters on the subreddit pointed out that the self-married character has the Arrogant trait, which just might explain how they found themselves in this situation.
According to the players of this Crusader Kings 3 playthrough, they went to war to overthrow the medieval papacy, fighting half of Europe in the process, specifically to legalize gay marriage in their playthrough. Almost immediately after this decision, their grandson married himself, seemingly making a mockery of the player’s efforts.
At the suggestion of other users to use the player’s status as dynasty head to simply divorce his grandson from himself, the player responded that they tried, but he “just keeps marrying himself again.”
“Any way to get him to your court and then do the divorce?” one commenter suggested. “Courtiers don’t marry without your permission, if I remember correctly. Or divorce, grant him a minor title, and forbid him from marrying freely, that should give you a grace period of ten years to set him up with someone.”
Though this seems to be a reasonable solution to the problem, yet another commenter responds, “He’s still gonna have affairs with himself.”
Crusader Kings 3 is weird and full of moments that can leave you doing a double take when you hear them. This is just one of many such moments that help make this game so incredibly memorable.
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